Theory, yet not a definition, about love

Love is like a pyramid. There are many stages to create it, and then there are many stages to get to the top. The support is family love, and that is the family you've always had. When that love feels it cannot support you...the friendships lead into the family. That's why you feel your friends are your sisters and brothers etc. Then there is friendship love...and unrequited love..and there are so many stages to it. And then there's that top...that top near the sy. The one you can only get to on your own. That true love that can only be described with your emotions, your thoughts...no one else can describe it. That loves is the eternal love, and when you feel it...you feel euphoria at least once in your life just by hearing them sleep. Yet, sometimes you can be misguided because you think you're at the very top..and then it turns out you're only half way up, or 3/4 of the way up..there is no way of knowing whether that love will stay forever except for time.As the egyptians had no way of knowing if the pyramids would stay intact..except by time.

Anger

So this is a little bit personal...there is no generalized standings here, it's all quite specific. Specific to me, maybe some of it might not be even completely true...but what I've heard is what is written.

I'm Irish...well a part of me is, and they say that the Irish have a temper. A HUGE temper. One that you get into and get out of in a jiff, unless of course someone bugs you or does not help with the situation at hand. I'm also...from a family, my mother's side (father's side isIrish) who has a major temper...and when I say major temper, I mean it's like Irish except...you're not drunk..no except it lasts a little longer usually. Screaming, yelling, throwing things...and don't forget I have a step father who has the temper of a mad man..and a mother who has the shortest temper in the world.

I was raised with anger...along with other good things, but still that was a major part of my being raised. Genetically, I'm an angry person..possibly more angry than a lot of people, but peple don't realize that normally (if it's really small) I can handle it...but that's only with people I do not know or I am not that close to. But when I get angry at someone..or I am already angry at someone else and someone bugs me...I am the devil I suppose you could say.

I scream, rant, rave, want to kill (don't really kill though)...and sometimes the only way I can actually calm down is by choking myself. Crying tends to help me calm down, but in the long run it's not good for the person on the other side.

When a close friend, relative does not respond to me ...soon (IE: next few minutes) and I'm crying..I am going to be saying things that I will regret, or don't even know what I'm saying. I'll try so hard to say them in the nicest way, because unfortunately when I get quite mad I just can't stop myself from saying anything...I just can't.

It's like stopping a bird from flying. It's not possible, unless of course you cut their wings..but they will still try to fly, and that could be worse for the bird.

I know it will cease sooner if the person seems to be cooperative...but I guess it's supposed to be only me. They do say that holding in anger is not a good thing..not a good thing at all.

Soo here's my question.

If this is how I am, genetically and mentally, is it really considered an excuse?

Friendships

How do you become friends with someone? Should you do everything you think is right? Or should you just back off and let life handle it?

Should you be the one to talk...right when you feel like it, or should you just wait for life to handle it? Seriously..I don't understand it.

I've been told...go make new friends, just do something...and then I was told right afterwards by the same person not to say what's on my mind or whatever. How exactly are you supposed to do one, but not the other? If you don't feel comfortable going up to people, unless you're with someone you know, and talking to them already, how will it help if you can't say what's on your mind? Seriously?

What are you supposed to do? Sit around and see if they know the little sign language you do? Which..is the alphabet for me.

And then you have that whole...want to be friends your best friends family, how are you supposed to do that when you don't feel comfortable talking to strangers?

This is quite pointless...the only reason I wrote it is because I wanted to ask if someone was having a good day on their birthday, but I didn't think they'd like it..because I'd be a bother.

Letting things go.

Many people tell me to let things go. Not allow them to take the best of me. Let the past be the past and the present be the present, not allow the little things from my past to change my feelings of the future. My feelings of the present.
I've heard it so many times in my life, that I believed they were true. It was a fact that I had to let things go. I couldn't think about them..I couldn't, as others say, obsess over these little things. It would eventually take me over and make me not be myself.

Yet does anyone seem to realize that maybe that is me? Maybe that is the way I do things? I look at these problems I face, more than most would? Isn't that a me? I wonder what it would be like if I could let things go. Some things I have to...but others...my life would be awful if I let them go. If I didn't allow them to stay inside me, made it so I was cautious. So they couldn't do those things to me again. My life has never been that big of a deal, but if I allow those things to escape me. Allow them to just float in mid-air, then I will allow myself to leave my body.
People say "just let them go" instead of taking care of the problem. I say take care of the problem. Allow the thing to fade by taking care of this problem, if you just let it go..it's going to come back again ten times worse. You're going to get your heart broken into a million pieces, because you didn't stay cautious. Because you didn't put that one little thing into your mind, you let it go.

Of course, people who do not let things go. They seem to annoy the people who believe that's the best way of living, who live that way. Of course, many deal with these problems by letting them go and it works. I'm not one of them. I have to understand the problem before it can fade, I have to allow it to fade from me. It won't be just a snap of the fingers and everything is alright.

Don't believe everyone benefits from letting things go automatically. Don't force me to let things go, even if they are little. Don't guilt me into beliving I'm wrong in how I feel.

The post prior to this....erk.

I shouldn't be thinking those things.....those are things I do not need to think about, and the only reason I even do it..is because I don't want tobe cocky. I don't want to KNOW and then be shot down, like I have been all my life.

If I worry...if I ask, then I won't be soo cocky, so overly confident of it..that I'll get hurt. I trust it..ooh I trust it. And I believE I make myself worry about it, in order to believe i'm not overly confident about it.

It hurts doing that..but it would hurt more if feelings changed. Which they haven't for some time, so I find it stupid that I'm even asking..I'm even wondering. Argh....

I need to get my thinking straight.

Questions.

I dont' understand it. How does life work? How can you understand the mind of the opposite sex? How do you find friends, a significant other? Who helps you determine whether a man likes you, or does not? Can you tell by their look, or must they tell you? What's the point of living a life that is already set...? Why can't we know what is about to become of us? Why do we worry about the thing we trust in most? Why do we love? Is love such an overrated thing that I've been wanting all my life? Because I found it, is it going to leave me... because I wanted it all my life? How do you know? Does God really talk to you over the space of your dreams? Does he talk to you just randomly while you're in school? What's the point in knowing? Will he talk to you once you die, even if you go to hell?

Why are all these questions shooting out of me? Why do I wonder? Why do I worry about Love? Every little thing that happens I get scared I'll lose the one thing I want. Every little thing, whether it be something I did or something he did. why is this? Do I just not want to lose the one I feel is the one? Do I just not want to lose that one person who accepts me?

Ahh...he is getting annoyed with my way of viewing things isn't he? I find that to be hurtful. He accepts me for who I am, but once I get scared, I worry (yes it so happens to be about a similar thing) he automatically tells me not to do things how I will. When he believes "Do as you will" or what not. Do how you would do it. I love for that, but I don't know if he's getting annoyed with me. What if he is? That would be a heartbreaking thing.

I hope he's not getting annoyed with me. I worry because of the things said, because he tells me to worry. Because he is scared of people who have faith in him, trust him. I trust him more than anyone else...and that's scary. I accept his way of living, and I know that he will not always be there. I can't always have him..I'm just scared. Scared i'll lose him completely, scared he will be annoyed with me and leave.

I feel like throwing up.

The Gist - Life..

Don't you hate it when you have something amazing AMAZING to write about..and then your mom calls, she's pissed at you and you have no clue what you wanted to write? Well..that happened to me right now. For once in this myspace life I've wanted to write a blog entry. ....Now....it's pointless.
Here's the gist:
Ever wonder why you live where you live? Ever think "Why am I living here?" "Is it just a random place I was put, or is it something more?" Ever think that your life prior to getting a family lets know what your life will be like later. The scenery, etc. The place where you feel safe...where you feel you couldn't live without being there because it's so common, and then when you do move out...you live in a place that is so similar. Is that why you live here? Is that why?
Also, internet. Is the internet truly made from the devil? I mean....it is a place where rapists live and many other weirdos..but that's life. If you go anywhere you will find a place full of weirdos, rapists, druggies etc. What's so different about the internet? You will find pornos etc. all over the streets....I mean if there wasn't an internet that is.
Also, everyone says "You cannot trust the people on the internet" Why not? Are you saying you can't trust yourself? Can't trust the people that you know on the internet? Are you saying you can't trust any human being what so ever? PEOPLE go on the internet...people, justl ike you and me. Yes, you may not see them..but if you can, normally it will be alright. Normally they will be just like you are. All these cases where they meet people, and they turn out to be rapists etc. Do you know how many meetings there have been between people? People that were "normal" who didn't get hurt, who stayed together or stayed friends? hmm?? Does the news tell you about that? Does the news tell you about ANYTHING in life that's positive, unless it's dramatically so? NO!
So why...why do you listen to these? Yes, you should be careful..but you should be careful with EVERYONE. You shouldn't trust everyone you meet, that's just stupid..that's what the internet is. The internet has made this life less hectic. It's made it more...organzied, more peaceful. (That just means it was WAY more so prior to the internet) it helps you see people...understand civilizations, understand how you are not the only one thinking in a different way. It makes you feel not lonely.
My first boyfriend..my only boyfriend. I met over the internet. The love, the person that makes me feel whole..I met over the internet. People may say "How can y ou know?" Because I'm happy. When I never had the internet...I felt alone. I felt no one would understand me..I started to feel (even thoguh I was so young) that my life wasn't worth it. That if I did something...no one would care. I felt like I was the one who caused my mother greif etc. The internet made me understand..made me stronger than most (which Iwas anyway). It made me feel...well not lonely.
I had been surrounded by druggies, when I first became obsessing over the internet..and I did some bad things. But as I progressed got older..I came to notice the bad, and the good in people. Why? Because of all the people I had talked to over the internet, over my life...over the summer..all these people. I hadn't become a druggie because I had felt wanted by so many people over the internet. I'm an only child...so I always felt alone.
Now...I'm just happy. I do not center my life with the internet, I do not center my life with the physical..I make my life whole, by dismissing the real friends to the not so real. Whether they be physical or internet. I have a best friend..he is the best friend anyone could ever have. And the only reason I have him..is because of the internet. I had always felt I would find him...but he wouldn't be here. He wouldn't be in Maine

Vacations ...not the greatest entertainment.

Alright..so I feel like giving you some of my ever inconveniently placed thoughts. I just have to find them..hmm....Friends, acquantances, people who feel like reading my words. Hi. I am Kasey the mighty ol' one who isn't that old. The girl who lives in a land of trees and a self-sufficient amount of cows. (I think..haven't really talked with them). I am a girl who's house is haunted by ghosts and who's town is more than 200 years old. Do you know me yet?



Alright so today (counting the early morning from 12 am - now) I mostly read Gone with the Wind. I stayed up, until possibly four o'clock. Actually 4:10 to be exact. Just to read the boring novel that is extremely interesting. How that can be? I do not know, nor will I ever come to that conclusion. I already know what's going to happen in the end yet I still want to read of that Rhett Butler. He is a most interesting character, one of the more interesting I have read in my entire life (and believe me..I've read multiple characters in my lifetime). The scene is set in the south, during the Civil War. It broadens my mind with the Civil War, which is good because my mind was pretty closed when it came to that huge war. I even had a friend with a friend from the South about it. That's very sad.
The rest of the day (until now) I've been listening to Sevendust, or trying to download their songs at least. And right now I'm waiting for someone to notice my existance. No one has done so yet, and I'm deeply scared they will not before the event takes place. I will not tell you what the event is. That is for you to wonder of and scratch your brains wanting to know. Isn't it?

A splendid thing happened today. I don't recall what it was though.

A poem of which I am certain

Echoing the brilliant shade
of evergreen.
Your soul takes shape
as a silent beam of light
would strike through the haze.
Creating a mastery.

Falling from the skies
my heart soars like an eagle
flying across the desolate sun.
Your voice,
heavenly to my fragile mind.
Making it stronger by the second.

Every time we cannot speak
your voice is safely in my mind.
Ocean waves dare not move
as I remind myself of your eyes.
Eternally my heart will remember
the shine brought by you.

Dealing with it....

Still my scared level is high....why is this?? Because I don't know, because I can't know...because there is no possible way I can actually know without breaking the rules. Or waiting for him to get online.

There is nothing in my life...that I can see. I need a life, I really do. Yet I fear I cannot have one...without him in it. He's my half...with him I feel happy, ready to take on any new experience. Ready for anything really...and I don't even see him. I can't hold him, I'm just deeply scared that I'm going to lose him. Every time I send an e-mail..or a comment.. I fear he's going to get sick of me like all of my other friends, people who loved me, and my father. I know he will not...because he hasn't and it's been several months. But I still cannot help the fear, it's inside me...andI don't know how to get it out..until I know we wlil be together. Until I feel his arms, or see his smile.

I know this seems strange, and to some possibly an obsession. Yet, I do not need his words to actually live. I do not need him to talk with me..I need to know he loves me and to know he cares. that's it...if that's too much, then I should probably get my priority's straight. He does not need to think I'm the most beautiful girl...it would be a great thing if he did, because that shows that he really loves me. (I mean we all know I'm not), but hey he doesn't.

Ahhh...it hurts sometimes. But knowing he's in my life...makes me feel happiness even though there is pain.