Friday, May 12, 2006

The post prior to this....erk.

I shouldn't be thinking those things.....those are things I do not need to think about, and the only reason I even do because I don't want tobe cocky. I don't want to KNOW and then be shot down, like I have been all my life.

If I worry...if I ask, then I won't be soo cocky, so overly confident of it..that I'll get hurt. I trust it..ooh I trust it. And I believE I make myself worry about it, in order to believe i'm not overly confident about it.

It hurts doing that..but it would hurt more if feelings changed. Which they haven't for some time, so I find it stupid that I'm even asking..I'm even wondering. Argh....

I need to get my thinking straight.


I dont' understand it. How does life work? How can you understand the mind of the opposite sex? How do you find friends, a significant other? Who helps you determine whether a man likes you, or does not? Can you tell by their look, or must they tell you? What's the point of living a life that is already set...? Why can't we know what is about to become of us? Why do we worry about the thing we trust in most? Why do we love? Is love such an overrated thing that I've been wanting all my life? Because I found it, is it going to leave me... because I wanted it all my life? How do you know? Does God really talk to you over the space of your dreams? Does he talk to you just randomly while you're in school? What's the point in knowing? Will he talk to you once you die, even if you go to hell?

Why are all these questions shooting out of me? Why do I wonder? Why do I worry about Love? Every little thing that happens I get scared I'll lose the one thing I want. Every little thing, whether it be something I did or something he did. why is this? Do I just not want to lose the one I feel is the one? Do I just not want to lose that one person who accepts me?

Ahh...he is getting annoyed with my way of viewing things isn't he? I find that to be hurtful. He accepts me for who I am, but once I get scared, I worry (yes it so happens to be about a similar thing) he automatically tells me not to do things how I will. When he believes "Do as you will" or what not. Do how you would do it. I love for that, but I don't know if he's getting annoyed with me. What if he is? That would be a heartbreaking thing.

I hope he's not getting annoyed with me. I worry because of the things said, because he tells me to worry. Because he is scared of people who have faith in him, trust him. I trust him more than anyone else...and that's scary. I accept his way of living, and I know that he will not always be there. I can't always have him..I'm just scared. Scared i'll lose him completely, scared he will be annoyed with me and leave.

I feel like throwing up.

Monday, May 08, 2006

The Gist - Life..

Don't you hate it when you have something amazing AMAZING to write about..and then your mom calls, she's pissed at you and you have no clue what you wanted to write? Well..that happened to me right now. For once in this myspace life I've wanted to write a blog entry.'s pointless.
Here's the gist:
Ever wonder why you live where you live? Ever think "Why am I living here?" "Is it just a random place I was put, or is it something more?" Ever think that your life prior to getting a family lets know what your life will be like later. The scenery, etc. The place where you feel safe...where you feel you couldn't live without being there because it's so common, and then when you do move live in a place that is so similar. Is that why you live here? Is that why?
Also, internet. Is the internet truly made from the devil? I is a place where rapists live and many other weirdos..but that's life. If you go anywhere you will find a place full of weirdos, rapists, druggies etc. What's so different about the internet? You will find pornos etc. all over the streets....I mean if there wasn't an internet that is.
Also, everyone says "You cannot trust the people on the internet" Why not? Are you saying you can't trust yourself? Can't trust the people that you know on the internet? Are you saying you can't trust any human being what so ever? PEOPLE go on the internet...people, justl ike you and me. Yes, you may not see them..but if you can, normally it will be alright. Normally they will be just like you are. All these cases where they meet people, and they turn out to be rapists etc. Do you know how many meetings there have been between people? People that were "normal" who didn't get hurt, who stayed together or stayed friends? hmm?? Does the news tell you about that? Does the news tell you about ANYTHING in life that's positive, unless it's dramatically so? NO!
So why...why do you listen to these? Yes, you should be careful..but you should be careful with EVERYONE. You shouldn't trust everyone you meet, that's just stupid..that's what the internet is. The internet has made this life less hectic. It's made it more...organzied, more peaceful. (That just means it was WAY more so prior to the internet) it helps you see people...understand civilizations, understand how you are not the only one thinking in a different way. It makes you feel not lonely.
My first only boyfriend. I met over the internet. The love, the person that makes me feel whole..I met over the internet. People may say "How can y ou know?" Because I'm happy. When I never had the internet...I felt alone. I felt no one would understand me..I started to feel (even thoguh I was so young) that my life wasn't worth it. That if I did one would care. I felt like I was the one who caused my mother greif etc. The internet made me understand..made me stronger than most (which Iwas anyway). It made me feel...well not lonely.
I had been surrounded by druggies, when I first became obsessing over the internet..and I did some bad things. But as I progressed got older..I came to notice the bad, and the good in people. Why? Because of all the people I had talked to over the internet, over my life...over the summer..all these people. I hadn't become a druggie because I had felt wanted by so many people over the internet. I'm an only I always felt alone.
Now...I'm just happy. I do not center my life with the internet, I do not center my life with the physical..I make my life whole, by dismissing the real friends to the not so real. Whether they be physical or internet. I have a best friend..he is the best friend anyone could ever have. And the only reason I have because of the internet. I had always felt I would find him...but he wouldn't be here. He wouldn't be in Maine