Dealing with it....

Still my scared level is high....why is this?? Because I don't know, because I can't know...because there is no possible way I can actually know without breaking the rules. Or waiting for him to get online.

There is nothing in my life...that I can see. I need a life, I really do. Yet I fear I cannot have one...without him in it. He's my half...with him I feel happy, ready to take on any new experience. Ready for anything really...and I don't even see him. I can't hold him, I'm just deeply scared that I'm going to lose him. Every time I send an e-mail..or a comment.. I fear he's going to get sick of me like all of my other friends, people who loved me, and my father. I know he will not...because he hasn't and it's been several months. But I still cannot help the fear, it's inside me...andI don't know how to get it out..until I know we wlil be together. Until I feel his arms, or see his smile.

I know this seems strange, and to some possibly an obsession. Yet, I do not need his words to actually live. I do not need him to talk with me..I need to know he loves me and to know he cares. that's it...if that's too much, then I should probably get my priority's straight. He does not need to think I'm the most beautiful girl...it would be a great thing if he did, because that shows that he really loves me. (I mean we all know I'm not), but hey he doesn't.

Ahhh...it hurts sometimes. But knowing he's in my life...makes me feel happiness even though there is pain.